“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” (Laurell K. Hamilton)
Most people, if not everyone, have something from the past that still affects them; some people might wonder why are they still caught in the past, why isn’t their ‘emotional wound’ healing after all this time. Some of us might feel like they’re caught in an endless void, in an endless state of numbness; we want to get better, but how?
I had spent the first few years of my teenagehood, as well as most of my childhood hating myself for different reasons. For almost as many years, I wasn’t really listened to, I used to be blamed because classmates gossiped about me when I was little, thinking that there must be something wrong with me. Now when I look back at it: can there really be something wrong with a child? Was all the suffering worth it for me to destroy my body and slowly, my soul? Now everything I did seems like a very spontaneous decision; obviously, I didn’t think much about it back then.
I felt like a baby -and maybe more people will find themselves in this idea-:just like any newborn, I was crying, I was confused… but as they grow, they learn how to walk by themselves; now, what is the similarity between this and healing? When babies are ready, they get up and start walking. Alone. Either by having something to support themselves as they get up (e.g. a person or a chair), I did a similar thing: when I finally had the strength, I got back on my feet, either by getting helped by someone, or just my own ambition,and I tried to do even the smallest thing I could do for myself. I felt more confident about myself, and as Fred Rogers says: “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”
I had to leave many things behind (toxic relationships, certain habits), in order to be able to find peace, and finding peace also meant forgiving others, but most importantly, myself. It was a challenging thing to do - and if you, dear reader, did not do it yet, please try to, please. Try at least, to take into consideration the concept of you not being such a bad person as you think you are, that your grades, or the way you look, or what the mean kids at school say about you, it’s not actually who you are-.
Everyday, I heal more and more. I managed to fill every hole in my body by finally being able to start loving myself, to realize I am so much more worthy than I thought. And dear reader, you are, too. This healing-journey is a tough one, but it’s worth it. And maybe a day in recovery can be tough too, because it’s not a linear progress; but all that effort, all those feelings of tiredness we had for so many days, led up to a happier-self.
Kovács Teodora Maria, 8.17.2021
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